Steve Nagy (stevenagy) wrote,
Steve Nagy

Two For One

Two different takes on the last section of today's Novel In 90 work. It took me two hours longer than I wanted to put together the three pages. Primarily because the main scene involved writing telegraph messages and researching substitution and transposition ciphers. Which I could have done during lunch today, since including an encrypted message was the plan from the start.

I haven't encrypted the messages yet. Composing the telegrams was hard enough by itself. Makes me appreciate Hemingway more.

The first example is an attempt at present tense and second person. I don't really have trouble with present tense, though my construction suffers and becomes passive at times. I don't use second person often. I considered it for this scene because I'm trying to create a character that's distinctive from the other in the chapter. The second example is more traditional.

First Example
Fear is exquisite.
You master it and its infliction--from pinprick to deepest skewer--becomes an art. Becomes you.
You feel fear. You always feel it.
It is your intimate. You love it, and your children suffer for it.
Suffer gladly.
You relish the surprise Burr shows. Surprise is only another expression of fear, which makes it yours to control. Fear is your realm.

Second Example
Fear was exquisite.
Master it and its infliction--from pinprick to deepest skewer--became an art. Became him.
He felt fear. He always did.
It was his intimate. He loved it, and his children suffered for that love.
Suffered gladly.
He relished the surprise Burr showed. Surprise was only another expression of fear, which made it his to control. Fear was his realm.
Tags: fallen, novel in 90, rewrite
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